Life Has Changed

     In the following, the names have been changed to protect the innocent.  Okay, so she isn't really innocent, I'm more afraid of litigation.  From here to hence forth "she" will be named madame X.  For those of you that have been living in a box or trying to become naturalists, madame X and I separated on March 18th.  I was then separated from my boys for six months.  I was denied requests to see them.  After many days and nights of not sleeping, sleeping too much, litigation, crying, swearing, depression eating, panic attacks, looking over my shoulder, looking over other peoples shoulders, hiding behind trees, talking to myself and geocaching for lack of anything better to do.  I was finally able to see the boys.  This blog will hopefully be happy postings of the three best Fairbank's.  Since madame X kicked everyone out of the family blog, I hope you will enjoy reading mine.  I finished part of college so I'm pretty sure I can put a few coherent sentences together. Just don't ask me for help with your math homework.
     On September 11th I was able to see Beck and Killian for the first time in the last six months.  In my head the first visit would have the boys running up to me, angels singing, sun shining, and we would play and dance for the one hour I was able to see them.  They would cry when they had to leave me.  My life to this point has not gone how I envisioned it, so why should this day be any different. 
     The boys rolled up in their walking stroller.  I knelt down in front of the stroller, madame X helped Beck out of the stroller.  He stood, looked at me, held his hand out and said,"No!" and then ran behind the stroller and wouldn't come out.  Tears started to well up in my eyes, I had to look at the play ground equipment to try and gather myself.  I was more sad at the fact that when madame X and I separated Beck was just learning to walk, and he didn't speak.  Here he was telling me no and running behind the stroller.  I had missed so much.  I wasn't sure I could do this.  Maybe madame X was right, I shouldn't be in their lives.  Maybe I just wasn't suited to be a father.  I have always felt like I was good with kids, and here, one of my own wanted nothing to do with me.  I wasn't sure how I was going to overcome this.
     I had brought construction equipment toys for the boys and Killian saw that.  He came right down out of the stroller and sat next to me, smiled and laughed.  He patted my leg and said Daddy, followed by "loader".  That was the toy I had brought for him.  Madame X took Beck to swing, so I sat with Killian and rolled the loader back and forth with him.  I followed him around the park marveling at his ability to walk, run, and climb.  The kid talked incessantly.  Some of which I understood, big tee (big tree), pie cone (pine cone), sing (swing), Beck, brudder (brother), eh-pane (airplane), hel-copo (helicoptor), boon (balloon), big tuck, peace car (police car), mocycle (motorcyle), cool bus (schoold bus), fire tuck, tick (stick), gabage tuck.  Killian needed a drink after all of that talking so we walked back to the stroller.  He stat down and then patted the sidewalk and said,"Sit".  I sat down next to him and he drank for a bit then got up and walked off.  When he noticed that I was still sitting there, he looked at me, waved his arm, and said,"'Mon".  I was being told to follow.  I did just that.  I was having the time of my life just watching him.  He had grown so fast in that short time.  My earlier fears of wanting to give up on being a father were no longer valid.  I wanted to follow Killian around for the rest of my life.  I wanted to help him learn and accomplish everything he so desired.  He was my son, and I loved him.  
     Beck had been observing me playing with Killian and was a little less wary of me.  I guess he figured he would use Killian as the human shield.  And if Killian was still alive, I must be okay to be around.  Beck crept closer to where I was sitting and handed me a rock that he had picked up.  I acted all excited about it.  That excitement, apparently in little boy language, meant it will be okay to pick up hand fulls of wood chips and throw them point blank range at Daddy's face for the next five minutes.  I was willing to do anything if it meant interacting with Beck.   I was happy to let that happen and visit the ER with splinters later.  Beck throws left and right handed.  And he throws hard.  When he hits you in the face, he has kind of an evil laugh.  He is also my son, and if this is what it took to help him feel safe around me.  I would give up my modeling career to sport scars on my face from wood chips. 


Killian with his loader and roller

      When madame X said it was time to go, they both jumped into the stroller.  Killian waved and said,"By Daddy".  He wanted to take the loader with him.  I would have let him drive my truck away at that point in time if he had wanted to.  I cried when they left.  I knew that I had missed them over time.  But I was unaware to the extent of it until they were being rolled away.  I was very excited to be a part of their lives again.