High, high, high

    By the fourth visit Beck had finally realized I wasn't there to sell him into slavery or snort cocaine off his forehead (did the joke go too far?).  When the boys rolled up, I was able to get Beck out of the stroller without him freaking out.  There was no need to go swing with Madame X and slowly warm up to me.  He wasn't overly thrilled and dancing around saying Daddy Daddy you are the coolest, but he allowed me to follow him and converse with him in a language I was slowly beginning to understand.  I made it a point this visit to only follow Beck around.  Wherever he decided to go, I would follow. 
     We wandered around the park.  He pointed out "tee" for tree.  "Biggie tee" for the big pine tree by the park.  Beck also has to point out every helcopo (helicopter) and pane (airplane) he hears.  When the bells on the clock at the city center ring, he always gets a look of amazement and says bells, bells.  He has to point out every "peace car", even if there are five police cars parked in a row.  He has to point to each one and say what it is.  We played with the little soccer balls.  He would say kick and then kick the ball and chase after it.  I love it when he tries to pick up a rolling ball as it is going down the sidewalk.  He walks up to the slowly rolling ball and bends down with his arms out to get it.  By the time he has stopped and bent down, the ball has continued on.  So Beck will walk a little further and then bend down again, only to have the ball escape him yet again.  Beck finally catches up to the ball when it stops.  Then Beck will lay on the ball and roll around on it.  Or try and sit on it.  He makes me laugh.

Getting Ready to Swing

Monkey see  Monkey Do

Beck with his usual serious face

     Both of the boys like to wander around underneath a giant pine tree at the park.  They like to hang from the branches.  Killian is strong enough to lift himself off the ground and swing.  Becks version of swinging is to grab a hold of the branch and then walk back and forth. 
     Killian told me he wanted high and pointed up in the tree.  That meant he wanted me to lift him to one of the higher tree branches to hang.  Killian will hang on as long as he can and then let go while laughing, assuming I'm always going to be there to catch him.  For those of you non English majors out there, that last sentence would be referred to as foreshadowing.  Beck thought this game looked like fun so he stood by me.  He didn't say a word, he just stood next to me and looked up into the tree.  I lifted him up hoping that he wasn't going to scream.  He hung from the branch for a few seconds and let go.  I caught him, thinking he would laugh and we would play this new game and he would love Daddy.  But in typical Beck fashion, he looked at me like I was an idiot and walked out from under the tree.  Our game was finished.  I was trying desperately to figure out a way to connect with him.  He made me question everything about myself.  I felt awkward around him.  I felt like a new babysitter, and not his father.  I had to find a way to let that little boy know how much I love and care about him.  I felt I was failing miserabley.  My heard ached, but I kept smiling.  In the first half of the visits Beck didn't say much to me.  He progressed as time went on.  Beck isn't a parrot like Killian is, but he knows quite a few words.
     Beck and I were playing when Killian walked up to me and said poop.  Madame X and I had been discussing this and both of us were worried at how the boys might feel when I had to take them away from the park to change them.  I summoned up my courage, grabbed a diaper, my hazmat suit, and walked boldly to the library bathroom that is right next to the park.  Killian pointed out the "fiya tucks" (fire trucks) to me as I walked.  He seemed fine that I had picked him up and we were leaving everyone.  I opened up the changing table and pulled his pants down.  He was pointing to various things in the bathroom and making comments on them.  I layed out the diaper and the wipes.  The I layed him down onto the changing table.  It was then that I could see the panic in his eyes.  He didn't cry out Mommy, he just looked terrified all of the sudden.  Like a child you see in a horror movie.  Their eyes widen and they are speechless.  My eyes welled up with tears.  I tried to smile at him, but it was a pathetic smile.  Killian suddenly didn't feel safe with me.  To add further insult to injury, it had been six months since I had changed a diaper.  I was trying to hurry, nervous, and I put the diaper on backwards.  I said oops and made a combination nervous/crying/laugh.  So Killian said Opes and laughed also.  I said Daddy put your diaper on backwards, silly Daddy.  Killian repeated dipe O, silly.  And then he laughed.  The fear was gone from his eyes.  The tears weren't gone from mine, but I was so happy to see that he no longer feared being in a semi dark closet that the city called a bathroom.  I carried him back outside and put him down so he could run back to the park.  My thoughts were on the future first time changing of Beck and how I was going to handle that. 
     The boys like to go down the tall slide.  Killian will go as long as someone is at the bottom to catch him.  Beck needs someone to go with him.  I tried to take Beck down the slide, but he cried Mommy Mommy Mommy.  So I walked down the stairs dejectedly.  I felt like everyone in the park was looking at me.  Moms of the other children were looking down at me.  My son didn't trust me enough to go down the slide with him.  So Mom had to run to the rescue.  That hurt.  It hurt more, that it happened in front of Madame X.  I just wanted everything to go amazingly well, and have the boys laughing constantly to prove that I was a good father.  That I was the protector of my family.  I guess when violent robbers break into the house, Beck can yell Mommy Mommy Mommy.  I'm going to go down the slide.
     Our time was up.  It always seems to go by so fast.  They both wave and say bye Daddy when they go.  I want them to stay and play for hours more.  I need it.  But we are trying to not push them into something they don't enjoy.  When they leave, it is usually the only time I see Beck smile.  Hopefully that isn't a reflection on me.  I always thought the best part of school was when the last bell rang.  Maybe the best part of Beck's day is when he gets to say bye Daddy.  It crushes me to say good bye knowing it will be days before I get to see them again.  They are such a big part of my life, and yet, I only see them four hours a week.  It hurts to watch them go while I stay and pick up the balls and toys.  Although, it is cute to see their little feet getting tossed around below the stroller as the wheels hit the bumps in the sidewalk.