Life this past week has been rough. This story will at least have a happy ending, so you can continue reading without worry. I have spent all week having anxiety, night mares, feelings of inadequacy, teary eyed, and sleepless. All of it stemming from the fact that I could not figure out a way to get Beck to want to spent time with his father (that would be me, in case any of you have forgotten). I have felt like giving up. I have struggled reconnecting with my boys and this last month has made me want to give up. I feel like crying when they don't want to come with me. I feel like crying when they do something funny and then I stop and think of all the things that I'm going to miss in their lives. I guess that means I feel like crying a lot. I get this genetic trait from my pansy father. All of this drama has made me want to give up. Madame X emailed me earlier in the week saying she was unsure how to handle this situation with Beck. She said that Beck came up to her earlier in the week on a day that I wasn't coming to get the boys and said, "I no go Daddy." I became very forlorn and unsure how to proceed.
Mom came up with the idea of not picking the boys up on Saturday and just taking them a small treat. I would just say hi, maybe give the boys a hug and then leave. I emailed Madame X and her only concern was that Killian would probably have a fit if he didn't get to come with me. That was something I hadn't thought of. Madame X also suggested I bring Mylar balloons, as the boys are really into balloons right now. Everyone involved thought that would be a good plan to try and help Beck with whatever his current issue with me is.
On Saturday morning I went to the store and searched and searched for just the perfect Mylar balloon. The balloon that would say "Hey Beck, I'm your Dad and I love you, please come play with me, I promise to keep you safe, have fun, and return you undamaged back home." I couldn't find a balloon that was big enough to say all of that, so I settled on getting two Mylar soccer balls. I had also previously purchased to small helicopters that the blades spin and light up with the push of a button. I was ready and more nervous than when I picked up my prom date.
When I walked up to the boys house, Madame X and Killian were at the door to greet me. Killian was grinning ear to ear at the sight of a balloon. Madame X had amazingly enough steered me in the right direction with the balloon idea. Madame X had dressed Killian in a coat and hat already. She clearly thought Killian would want to go with me. Beck just peeked his little blond head around the door and wouldn't come any farther. Madame X invited me in. I knelt down and gave Beck his balloon. He was shouting "boon, boon!" That is as close to saying balloon as he gets. Both boys would pull the balloon down and watch it go up to the ceiling. Beck made sure he stayed about six feet away from me at all times. I was already used to this behavior from girls in high school. I tried playing peek a boo with Beck through the tunnel they had built from couch cushions. That made Beck laugh. Shortly after I started doing that, Killian jumped down off Madame X's lap and came and sat on mine and said, "I go!" Madame X asked him if he wanted to go to Daddy's house. And he said, "I go" again! Then he went back to playing with his balloon. While that was taking place I did not notice Beck creeping a bit closer to us. One second he was looking through the tunnel at me, the next he was climbing onto my lap and saying "I go Daddy". It startled both Madame X and I to hear him say that. I have never seem Madame X move so fast as she did trying to get Beck a hat and coat so he could come with me before he changed his mind. I was so glad I had put the monitors and car seats in the truck. It would have been terrible if Beck had suddenly decided to go with me and I had to tell him, sorry but Daddy was an idiot and doesn't have the car seats. It was a bit challenging to carry two boys, two balloons (in the wind mind you), two blankets, and two small helicopters. I was very impressed I didn't lose anything nor did I drop a boy.
When I got in the truck Killian started saying, "fwies, dink!" over and over until I acknowledged him. So we were off to McDonald's instead of my house. Both boys were very talkative and laughed while they were playing with their "boons" in the back seat. My day was looking up!
I ended up having the boys for four hours. We played with the usual toys and came up with some new games. One that I am not very fond of is we all crawl head first down the stairs. This requires arm strength that I no longer possess if one wishes to not just fly face first down the stairs. But if the boys were going to do this and we were going to laugh the entire way down the stairs, then I was going to do that until my arms fell off (so...three times). We built towers with blocks, of which Killian knocked down and then Beck hit Killian on the top of the head and said, "naughty!" I later saw Beck sitting on the floor with a bunch of unwrapped suckers around him. He had found the zip lock bag of suckers. When I asked him what he was doing, he said, "keenin' up" (cleaning up). I thought that was so funny I continued to let him unwrap every sucker and put the garbage in the zip lock bag. Because I was not expecting the boys, I had left some of the stuff from the bathroom that I was cleaning sitting in the hallway. While the boys were over I put the stuff back in the bathroom. Beck came into the bathroom, walked over to the tub and looked in it. Then he looked at me and said, "wada aaaaaaaaallllllll gone!" That made me laugh, and I guess hearing me laugh made him smile. Then he waited for me to come back out of the bathroom so we could go play with books. And by playing with books, I mean taking every book in site and dumping them on the floor until the game is over. The boys even found it fun to sweep Grandma's kitchen floor for a bit. Killian has also figured out that he can use a hockey stick to locate lost balls from under the couch.
I had felt so down all week, and Saturday erased all traces of doubt that had encumbered me during the week. The boys were so much fun. I love to hear them say Daaaaady all the time. Here's to hoping that Monday goes just as well. If I have to show up with two Mylar balloons twice a week, then I will create a balloon that says "Please come play with me, I will keep you safe, I love you, I want to be in your life, I will let you hit me in the head with a hockey stick if you think that is funny" and sell it to other divorced fathers to help pay for all my "boon" purchases.
