Dear Beck and Killian,
Three years ago was a very extraordinary day in my life. One that I will remember vividly above all others. I was scared, unsure, and happy all at the same time. I can remember when Beck was lifted by the doctors hands covered in goo and had just a teeny cry. It sounded more like a kitten crying. Beck was so small and Beck was so irritated at being brought into this world. I was scared when Beck came out at the thought of being a good parent to this beautiful little boy. The doctor waited a full minute to lift Killian out so that you both had different birth times.
Killian came out and I could see the stance of those involved change. It went from talking about hunting and movies, to no words being spoken. I immediately picked up on the change in atmosphere in the room and it made me nervous. Killian had come out blue and not moving. I am tearing up while writing this just remembering how scared I was when I saw Killian not moving.
Beck had one nurse assigned to him. Cleaning him up, putting stuff in his eyes, and doing his general assessment. Beck’s assessment ended up being really good considering you were both early and only four pounds. Once both of you were out of the delivery room and into a room I will call the baby clean up room. I was allowed to move to that room as well while they stitched up your mother from the C section. When I entered that room, Beck was crying away while being poked, proded, stretched, and wiped down. Killian had three nurses around him. I later learned that it was one respitory therapist and two nurses. The respitory therapist was saying, “Breath little boy. Come on, breath right now.” I started to cry. I had waited so long to see you both and I was afraid that I was going to lose one of you.
One of the nurses told me that I now had three options, I could go with baby A (Beck) to the nursery, I could go with Baby B (Killian) up to NICU, or I could stay with your mom. I chose to follow Killian. I had only known you both a few minutes time and was already faced with a hard choice. I had to leave one of you. I leaned down to Beck and held his hand and told him I was going to watch over his brother. I didn’t have much of a connection with you both when you were in Mommy’s tummy. I couldn’t really relate to something that looked like two little aliens on a ultrasound screen, and were growing in someone else’s body. In my head I had tried to prepare myself for being a father, but didn’t really know what to expect. Now that you were both in front of me, I was ready to move mountains for my sons.
I followed a nurse, the respitory therapist, and Killian onto an elevator. There was a little tube shoved down into Killian’s lungs trying to clean out his lungs so they could inflate. At this time that tube was full of blood. Daddy was full of fear. I was attempting to put on a brave face and not be scared. They say babies can pick up on the moods of their parents so I was trying to act calm and happy so that maybe Killian wouldn’t be scared too. When we arrived into NICU they wheeled Killian past all of these other babies that were even more small than he was. Some were hooked up to so many machines I wasn’t sure there was a baby hooked up to all that. There was classical music playing throughout the floor and the lights were really dim. Killian was hooked up to two tubes. One that inflated the lungs, and one that would let the air back out so that they didn’t explode Killian’s lungs. I was given a bar stool to sit on and told that I was allowed to take one picture and one picture only. It turned out to be a terrible picture. I couldn’t really frame the picture through the tears in my eyes. I sat on the bar stool and signed a bunch of paperwork to admit Killian into the NICU and then sign off on who was allowed to see him, and a bunch of other papers that I stopped even focusing on. I could only focus on my son and the tubes sticking out of him. I kept trying not to cry I was so scared for Killian. Sometimes I did better than others at not crying. At one point a nurse came over and gave me a hug and told me Killian was going to be fine. I will be forever grateful for that hug. I felt very one man taking on the world at that point. The doctor in the NICU came over and checked on Killian. After his assessment was done he came over and talked to me. I wasn’t allowed to sit right next to Killian as a just in case the NICU team all had to rush over. I was kept out of the way. He told me that Killian was already doing better. They were going to keep him up there for a day he guessed and then baby B (as they all referred to Killian) would be taken down to the well baby nursery. I sat with Killian for another ten minutes and determined the doctor wasn’t lying to me. Killian’s color was starting to look better and it looked like he was in a peaceful sleep. I decided to go check on my other son that I hadn’t been able to really see yet.
After some getting lost and asking for directions twice, I finally found Beck. I had arrived just in time to take pictures of him getting his first bath. Beck was so angry at this. The nurse sang to him while she was bathing him. She changed his diaper and put him underneath a heater. She placed a little temperature gauge on Beck’s belly so the heater wouldn’t cook him. Since you were both only four pounds, both of you had a struggle maintaining any kind of a normal body heat. I sat down next to Beck and took a few pictures. I put the camera down and sat down. I’m sure my face portrayed a thousand yard stare. I was now a father. I became overwhelmed. I cried again, except this time it was tears of joy. I wondered what you were going to grow up to be like. And wondered how many times I would be called to the hospital or the police station in the future. I began to hold Beck’s foot and talk to him. I told him how happy I was that he was here and how much I loved him. I told him that he was never to fight with his brother. And that Beck needed to grow up making billions of dollars so that I could quit working. I stopped talking cause clearly I had bored Beck to sleep with my talk. I kissed Beck on the cheek, hit my head on the heater contraption, stepped on the camera bag and almost fell over. I had been awake for thirty six hours or so by this time. It clearly wasn’t helping my coordination.
I then went back up to check on Killian. I had to sign in at the NICU desk before I could see Killian. When I walked over to where Killian was, the doctor was there checking on him. He said that Killian was doing way better than expected and he thought they would be able to ship Killian down to the well baby nursery in the afternoon. I was so relieved I hugged the doctor. Killian was resting and would be reunited with his brother soon.
Later in the day, they did ship Killian down. The nurses put the two of you away from the other babies in a dimmed corner. They were trying to keep the two of you in a more quiet place since you both were preemies. I had not even called anyone to let them know by this point that you two had arrived. Now that I knew both of my sons were safe, I guess it was time to let the rest of the world know about your arrival. I hope you will feel loved growing up in a home that I don’t live in. I hope you both will know that I am always thinking about you. You both make me laugh and make feel me feel old all the time. You both race circles around me and I just try to keep up. You are both so polite now at age three saying no thank you and please all the time. I love you both so much and I’m sorry I wasn’t with you on your birthday. When you are both older you will always get two birthday’s. Lucky you. I miss you guys when you aren’t around. I am so grateful to have you both in my life and to be your father. I’m excited to be able to watch you grow up and see the type of great men that you will both become. You have both made my life a better one. I’m delighted I get to be the father of two cute boys.
Love,
Gasser Helper (Daddy)
Stats for the boys now are as follows...
Beck 32 pounds 37.6"
Killian 30 pounds 36.2"
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| Killian on 2-09-09 |
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| Beck on 2-09-09 |
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| Killian at age 1 |
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| Beck at age 1 |
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| Both boys at age 2 |
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| Beck at age 3 |
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| Killian at age 3 |
